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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Itchy itchy bitchy!

There's no easy way to put this without sounding like a whiny bitchy self-loathing person, but i'm going to try anyways.

I'm feeling left out. I'm the third wheel, the elephant in the room, and the girl they all pity but don't have the heart to say anything bad to her face...

Today's been a pretty bad self-pity-party so slap on a party hat and join me. I'm kidding, i'm not going to spend an entire post pitying myself... i still have some dignity left (somewhere?) so i'm not going to berate myself anymore than i already have.

However, i am going to go on a rant about wedding dresses, so beware.


Quite recently i went camping with some friends, where at one point, we all donned our swimwear and became thoroughly dissapointed when both swimming spots were closed due to high water (biblical-sized rainstorms here, it rather sucks.) but i noticed just how much i truly hate my body. well, not really my body, just the clothes that go on it.

My swimsuit (which i would post pictures of if my poor camera wasn't attempting to commit sepuku...) is adorable. on the hanger. It's this somewhat vintage-looking navy blue and white micro-polka-dotted swimdress that --up until recently -- had underwires! which didn't work. The line where my cleavage was supposed to stop, was halfway to my belly button, while the top of my swimsuit barely covered my breasts at all! For some strange unknown reason, whatever god (or goddess...) that created me, decided to make my life a living hell when it comes to covering up my lady bits.

My shoulders -- like most plus-sized girlies -- are too wide. My arms are chunky and flabby and refuse to fit in anything that doesn't contain nylon. I am a not-so-modest size 32 waist, followed by double-d breasts that are anything but perky. (too big to be fried eggs on a nail, so i'm gonna go with sagging water balloons that have been in the sun way too long...) And my behind is... well... lacking. My legs are short and stocky and are covered in scars from wars with wicker furniture and buckets of frozen chain (long story) that i'm almost ashamed to wear anything above the knee so finding clothes for my particular size is a daunting task -- especially when coupled with the fact that i live in the most cornpone unknown little town this side of the land of Oz.... (our biggest attraction is a university that nobody likes, and various bowling alleys. Oh, we're also on a list of top 15 places to find a meth lab! YAY!) On top of all this, i am a modest 5'4" (shorter than majority of my friends...) and for some damn reason, i have the tallest torso in the freaking world! (sitting down, i'm taller than my boyfriend by like, 6 inches. standing up? he's taller by about the same amount!) So when the hunt for a blouse begins, i'm often having to pull and stretch things to fit (because apparently designers think all fat people get shorter as they get wider... we must just suck the fat out of our legs and place it in our stomachs, because the larger sizes are, the shorter they become.... genius, right?)

I've yet to find a t-shirt my size that actually fits correctly. either they're too short and barely reach my elastic waistbanded jeans (because those are totally fashionable....) or they're unbelievably long and i could practically make a dress with it!

Each shopping adventure ends up in one of four ways....

1) We've gone to Walmart for a fruitless attempt at buying clothes in a 4x. Sometimes you'll find a large 3x, other times you wonder if the designer stuck "4x" on the tag, and then forgot he made it out of shrinky-dinks.

2) We've traversed heavy traffic and landed at Catherines -- a specifically plus-sized store, spent upwards of 100 dollars on clothes, and ended up with three things. One of which fits correctly, none of which looks like a 20-something should wear....

3) We've gone to biglots to buy bras that will scratch the eff out of my shoulders, and barely contain my ladies who are desparately trying to escape through the bottom, all while in boring shades of white and black, complete with a 50-pack of granny panties that are great for periods, but not much for intimacey....

4) And last but not least, we've gone to goodwill.... to rifle through racks of rediculously patterned garments that ended up there because nobody in their right mind would want to own it. It was probably a christmas gift from colorblind Aunt Bertha who thinks Moomoo patterns look "good" on a girl your size.

Most of these adventures usually end with dad huffing and puffing, mum grabbing clothes you wouldn't want to wipe your own ass with, and you picking out clothes that looked fantastic on the hanger, the tag says is your size, and ultimately (once you get home) are seven kinds of too small. (You can call it "revealing" all you want, it's still too small.)

So needless to say, i'm rather sick of it.

When it comes to wedding dresses, it's not much different.

I've been searching for the "perfect" gown for about a half of a year. Though i've had a few in mind, most of them are all custom-made pieces of glorious artwork, all shipped from across the pond in the amazing places of England and Australia. Places like David's Bridal, Lucia's Bridal, and etc? Sure they carry dresses in my size (sometimes...) and sure they look wonderful, but if you notice? none of these dresses are portrayed on anybody bigger than a size 18!!!

I don't know about you, but i'm a size THIRTY-FREAKING-TWO! If i'm going to be buying PLUS-SIZED clothing, i want it on PLUS-SIZED models!! I don't want Ms. Bolemia strutting around in a gown that wouldn't even fit my calf! If you're going to run a "specifically plus-sized and full-figured bridal boutique" then put your clothes on models that are going to fit the bill.

I mean, if you were going to sell a new line of clothing for cabbage patch kids, you wouldn't be showing off the new season on Barbie and Ken, right? then why do it to people!? Ugh.

"Well maybe if you lose some weight, you wouldn't have to shop in plus-sizes!" Bite me.
"You've got nearly two years before the wedding, why not try eating better and taking care of yourself?" Go suck a duck.
"You know, it's not healthy being your size... you should try dieting. i used to be pretty big myself!" You were 30 lbs heavier and you were pregnant. Kiss my large flabby behind.

This is the kind of annoying drivel i hear on a near-daily-basis from family and friends when i talk about my frustration buying clothes. (no one should be brought to tears in a walmart changing booth because of mere words...) but it happens. People who have been skinny their entire lives (being pregnant does NOT count as fat!) think they know what's right for you and your body. Forget the fact that everyone in your family has been nearly 300lbs for as long as anybody can remember, forget the fact that sometimes it's physically impossible to do exercise (Read: MRSA), just eat better. and you'll magically lose all that weight and be "beautiful.".

Bite. me.

I eat healthier than majority of these rich sniveling bastards on any given day of the week. One of my mother's friends was thoroughly shocked to find out that we didn't throw tantrums and sob and cry because grandpa didn't take us out to eat when we went to visit him. because apparently that's a very un-fat thing to do! :-O oh no! we didn't get to stuff our faces with junk-food! heaven-for-bid!! How shall i ever survive without those tortured chicken bits fried in 11 herbs and spices?? How can i sleep at night knowing all that processed cheese and greasy blobs of hamburger-look-a-like isn't rotting away inside me!?

Seriously, fuck off. I'm so sick of the stigma that larger people get that we don't eat healthy. Jim and I cook for ourselves constantly, making things healthier at each and every turn! Believe it or not i grimace at the idea of fried food! I literally cannot ingest hamburgers and sausage because of tiny pockets in my intestines that grab those tiny greasy bits of food and let them rot inside me. If you think it was caused because i'm fat, i want you to find the nearest traffic cone, and insert it into your nether-regions unlubed whilst i finish.

Anyways, the people over at "Axis of fat" (a blog i'm absolutely in LURVE with!) have got the right idea. You need to love your body. Love every valley, every curve, every dimple and scar. Yes i may not be happy with my size, but i'm going to love it anyway. As long as i'm healthy and happy i shouldn't have to be tortured every day with how i look and how i feel about it. (Ironically the first way i found out about AOF, was because of a post on about one of it's writers and her very steampunkish wedding and the gorgeous bright red wedding gown!)

I've been introduced to the fact that i may be able to have my dreamgown custom-made for me. for my size, for my shape, in every little detail i want! (yay!) Only bad thing? I never get to really see my dress until it's finished... why? because nobody near my town is a seamstress or a tailor. And those who are, want to charge me thousands of dollars for a dress that wouldn't take them that much effort to make! If it wasn't for the fact that i don't know how to sew certain things, i'd do the damn thing myself!

I'd honestly love to sign-on one of the lovely ladies over at Etsy to make my dress... or even one of the talented beauties on Deviantart, but it just makes me grip my heart in anxiety over the fact that these dresses will not be technically custom-fitted to me, and may indeed be off quite a bit, with nobody to help solve the matter within miles!

It's the same predicament with buying a dress online... once i order the dress, there are no refunds! if the size is off because their size-chart is different to my tape-measure, then i have to shell out ANOTHER 600 dollars i can't afford to get it bigger in hopes it may or may not fit!

*sigh* I'm just super stressed over this whole dress debacle...

If anybody has any plus-sized dress stories (good or bad...) i'd love to hear them... especially if they involve any seamstresses (geared towards medieval clothing!) near the Terre Haute, Indiana area, haha.


Friday, June 18, 2010

*insert witty title here*

Oh man... i'd planned on watching my collection of *cough*"Legally aquired totally-not-torrent-downloaded*cough* chick flicks tonight... (I.e: When in Rome, Bride wars, Valentine's day... etc.) only to be utterly dissapointed. >.> First off, the last two (Bride wars and v-day) neither "totally legal copy" worked. complete duds.... but i'll live. i can always watch Bride wars in another "totally legal" way! but When in Rome??

The trailers i saw (i dunno if they're the ones you saw or not o.O) made this look like an adorable romantic comedy where pretty much every guy in Rome falls in love with this girl who's desparate for love (perhaps she heard a legend about the coins and decided to try it out, perhaps it was an accident and she meets the man of her dreams!) (SPOILERS POSSIBLE...) instead? I get 40 minutes into the show and am completely bored out of my mind. The woman is a work-a-holic (typical...) with a younger sister (who i think is the stuck-up girl from "that 70's show" but i'm not for certain. i suck with celebrities...) who falls deeply in love with a stranger (also typical...) Older sister (and main character) almost immediately falls head over heels over a guy SHE just met... (after she ridiculed her sister... hypocrite much?) and after seeing him with another woman in front of the oh-so-convieniently placed "Fountain of love" she gets shit-faced drunk and steals 4 coins and a pokerchip from the fountain. Cut scenes for each coin reveal complete stereotype guys. and not the Sexy Jock, Nerd with a heart of gold, or shy-guy-but-totally-adorable stereotypes either. i mean stereotypes like still-in-the-closet-male-model, crazy italian artist with bad fakey accent, balding nobody, and others. The characters were completely overplayed and thoroughly boring and left me sitting on my bed wishing "The Curse of the Confederate Cannibals" had finished first...

All-in-all? these movies totally killed my wedding-high. (Seriously spent 13 hours this week watching "Don't tell the bride", "My Fair Wedding" "Say Yes to the Dress" and "Girl Meets Gown". Another (probably 70-some...) hours sifting through DIY sites on boutouneers, bridesmaid dresses, bouquets, and food. (okay honestly the food had nothing to do with it, i just REALLY wanted something sweet... but that's besides the point.) but with "When in Rome" added to my list of 'movies-i-don't-ever-wanna-see-again-EVER' list, it killed it.

But enough complaining. i DID manage to bookmark a few *uh-MAZE-ing* sites with some fantastic DIY projects! (and one dress site i'm dying to post here, but i want her permission first and she hasn't emailed me back yet... ). So without further ado, i give you -- how i spent my last week!


As a fifth-grader, and a middle schooler, i loved playing violin. not because i was one of those academic kids with the private tutor, but because of my teacher. (Honestly? teachers make the class. If i had my botany teacher, german teacher, or orchestra teacher tutor me in math the way they did their own respective subjects? i'd be a freaking genius. honest!). Mrs. Brewer was an eccentric woman with the strangest hairdo i've ever seen. She often had us wondering if she was borderling schizophrenia, but we loved her anyway. I'll never forget her dancing "sexily" around the room attempting to get us to play "Habenera" more seductively. It worked. more out of fear of watching her dance around again rather than getting the gist of what she was saying, haha. But honestly -- and i think she knew this -- i could never read music. Four years and i never learned how to read that damn sheet music. i had three splitting folders worth of sheet music! everything from "Rosin eating zombies from outer space" to classics like "Ode to Joy" and "The nutcracker suite" (don't ask me to remember all the more impressive well-known names... this was four years of orchestra we're talking about o.O we played a LOT.) But as far as i can remember, i've always loved the look of sheet music. all the lines and dots... it's like watching a tiny ballet! Well, other than horrible origami abominations i've managed to spit out with a few harvested sheets of the glorious paper, i found something much better...
Meet the paper rose boutonniere (brainchild of "Scarlet" from A complete how-to on making boutonniere's (which could be adapted for bouquets, headdresses, etc...) out of paper! totally easy and amazingly beautiful! If you're a music-buff out there (or want something a little more whimsy mixed with classic) this is perfect! It takes only a few minutes and looks fabulous! of course you don't have to do it with music sheets. you can do it with pretty much any paper. it doesn't even have to be patterned! (If you've ever made any, i'd LOVE to see them!!)

A few other people on the site have made their own fantastic versions already!

I particularly love the version from "Kittybedmaker" with cursive writing on it. Looks like it bloomed straight from the pages of a romance novel!!


Those who know me, know i love to cook. but more than that, i love to bake. (and by "bake" i mean craft up anything sweet and noshable.) Last Halloween the hubs and i actually did what we liked to call "reverse" trick or treating. which is where we made the candy (yes made!) and then delivered it to people while we were in costume.

(i'm going to hate myself for posting this.. *sigh* but the left is my fiance Jim (dressed as a character from his favorite anime "Ichigo" from "Bleach", the middle with the sword is my younger brother Chance dressed as the "Grim Ripper", and that thing to the right is me (Dressed as "Mother Nature" complete with stuffed rabit. all the costumes were hand-made except for Chance's mask and sword.)

I will admit i've lost nearly 30 lbs since that picture though, lol. -- Anyways... long-story-short, we made homemade tootsie-rolls and saltwater taffy. (Recipe is from Loranne Oils package...) we thought about making something like these for the wedding, because you get a ton of little pieces from a half-batch! But it strains your arms something awful and for professional-looking wrappers, it would cost us an arm and a leg! (Traditional wax-paper just doesn't give us the look we want... although then again medieval times didn't exactly have shiny wrappers for candy o.O)

While snooping through the hubs' bookmarks (using his laptop for the summer, how awesome!) i found a site called "Instructables" which led me to some awesome recipes! One of which, is for my weakness. caramels.... Due to time constraint (I.E: totally going camping this weekend with friends!) i'm unable to make them as of yet... but if any of you lovelies happen to whip up a batch, please let me know how they turn out!

But combine those caramels, with some semi-cheap foil wrappers found at your local craft-store, and you've got some nifty little candies to add to your reception (or fill organza bags with them for parting-gifts!). Either way, it gives a tasty homemade touch that i absolutely adore!


Okay, so that's not exactly a "ton" of links i suppose... but i guess i overestimated how many of those tutorials i favorited were for halloween zombie makeup (without using latex! :-D) maybe the next post will be about zombie weddings? ooooh spooky. ;-)


Friday, June 11, 2010

Happy birthday you old fart!

Hoooo boy.

It's been a looooooooooong week. seriously... i can't even remember the last time i posted in here!

Well, this is what i've done so far:

1) Made some AWESOME rainbow cupcakes from, and then made my own white icing (flavored Orange)
2) took some AWESOME pictures of said cupcakes
3) Broke camera somehow and now cannot load pictures onto the computer unless i have a teeny USB cord that i can only buy at Radioshack
4) Took off to Auntie's (the hub's amazing british aunt) for a memorial bbq. (Sorry i never met you "big jimmy" but you sounded awesome!)
5) Went shopping at Hobby Lobby and spent most of hubby's paycheck (because he loves to spoil me...) on yarn and knitting looms.
6) Spent an evening with Liebe*.
7) Passed out cold with sore feet and mosquito bites all over me.
8) When Liebe returned for the "weekend" (meaning Sunday evening, Monday and Tuesday) we immediately passed out at like, 5:00 in the evening.
9) Made awesome shepherd's pie for the first time
10) Made french crepes for the first time as well (awesome with nutella, and/or the neighbor's fantastical strawberry jam!) and still have 2 left in the fridge
11) Grilled for the first time this spring/summer.
12) Watched Animaniacs for the first time in freaking for-ev-er!
13) Swore we'd buy the dvd set of Animaniacs and Pinky and the Brain... (NARF!)
14) Wished hubby goodbye and got to keep the laptop for the summer (yay!) -- along with his pillows o.O (the pillows were a total accident... oops.)
15) Knitted half a toddler-sized green hooded sweater before passing out to Powerpuff girls.
16) Woke up in the middle of the night to bridezillas. (See? this post is wedding-related...)
17) Woke up at correct time and found out dryer is now broken... luckily it can be fixed...
18) Decorated Grandpa's 72nd birthday cake. (3 layered yellow cake with whipped vanilla, and creamy chocolate tub icing... cake was from a box and totally dry, but i blame dad because he baked it, not i. -- then put chocolate chips between the piping, which melted halfway to Maryvale and made them chewable and awesome.) -- no pics since camera is still broken.
19) Watched marathon of recorded "Say yes to the dress" and "David Tutera's show i can't remember the name of for the life of me"
20) Passed out again.
21) Woke up to the smell of poptarts, felt like a giddy 6-year-old, had the urge to watch the little mermaid, and totally played 17 hours of "Pixie Hollow" from (I totally could live with the name Isabella Bubblegrass).
22) Decided to sign up another account and play one of each faerie type and checked email (bad habit of forgetting to do that...
23) Got an awesome email about "Lookville" -- a site about fashion and opinions about it. (Will check it out in more detail later when i've got some time between knittings)
24) Realised "oh yeah! blog! o.O" and made a quick half-arsed update.

in the end, you all still love me. right? haha. y-eah....

Anyways! :-D i'll update with the awesome bbq memorial pictures as soon as i can grab a USB cord tiny enough to fit my camera.

Apologies for the half-arsed blog post. I shall update with better content later, i promise. (haven't been in that much of a wedding-y mood lately and i'd rather not clutter up the blog with "blah busy" posts.... but too bad.)

And remember lovelies, i love emails and comments! Don't be afraid to write me i don't bite. (well, not strangers anyways... haha)


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Pics or GTFO

Oh goodness. Okay, where do i start?

First off, there's a long back story involving my grandfather, a trip to Florida, a lot of confusion, and him missing from our lives (again) for 7+ years. (And that's the short story o.O) So yes. Upon his reappearance into our lives, we had to help move him closer.

This man.... *sigh* this man has more furniture than an antique store. I swear to god i counted 17 lamps, 13 skillets in varying sizes, 12 saucepans, 4 soup pots, 1 giant pot i have no idea what it's for, and don't EVEN get me started on that man's china and dishware....

But even through all the packing in 90 degree weather (with no air conditioning, wearing nylon shirt and tight jeans, uphill both ways in the snow... okay i lied about the last part...) we got it finished. I swear if it wasn't for the sweet little old folks (Mary-lou, Mary Allen, Karen, John, Joanne, and Debbie) and whoever stole the walmart shopping carts, we would have been there until 3:00 in the morning unpacking that giant Uhaul. (Also? John is my new favorite old guy besides grandpa. He's an (any) war reinactor (mostly civil war stuff) and he LOVES to do special effects. I'm not gonna go into detail because i'm exhausted, but let's just say that he had a LOT of fun incorporating a butchered cow's leg, an amputee buddy of his, and an audience watching the civil war reinactment going on. Oh god i love this crazy old guy!

Anyways -- because of home drama (which involved storming out the door at 11:00 at night barefoot and walking about a half a mile on a gravel road...) Jim and I have decided to go ahead and look for our own place. our own first place. (woohoo...) Unfortunately, due to (annoying as hell....) medical reasons, i have yet to get my driver's license, diploma/G.E.D, etc. i don't have a job. and i can't GET much of a job. especially living in wonderful BFE... *sigh*. (Bum-Fuck-Egypt for those of you who haven't heard of that before.) So we're looking... window shopping really -- for an apartment or a small house. at LEAST a 1-bedroom 1-bath place with a washer/dryer. and parking nearby without being in the country. (as much as i love it, it would be easier to walk to work without a car than trying to bum rides and sync my schedule up with Jim's...)

So the hunt for a place of our own begins. As if moving grandpa wasn't enough of a challenge. What's more? We can't afford a place higher than 400-a-month (utilities included!).

Le sigh.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head

I swear to god that man has more dishes than a catering company o.O

We're helping my grandfather move the past few days -- so no time to really update. (But i do suggest you all go check out Axis of Fat. Even if you're not a BBB (Big beautiful bride), you can definitely appreciate her attitude towards all those angry skinny bitches who go gag themselves over a tootsie roll. Just reading her articles makes me want to give her a standing ovation. (But i think if i stood up and clapped excitedly at my computer, my parents would start to worry about my mental health o.O so i'm just gonna settle for a quiet blog post instead, haha).

I think it's wonderful that there are people out there who are totally happy with they way they are, and not just happy, but confident. What's the point of living life anyways if you're not going to enjoy it??

I mean yes, i do plan on losing weight before my wedding day, and i do eat healthier now, and i do exercise a lot more than i used to, but it's not because i want to look skinny on my big day. Screw that o.O I mean for god's sakes, i'm having a handfasting outside with a medieval theme o.O If i cared what people thought i'd be having a proper white wedding with a veil and a tux and all my flowergirls and ringbearers would be born in wedlock o.O but they're not. so if anybody has a problem with it, they can get over it. You don't have to be toothpick Tina to look gorgeous on your big day. There are HUNDREDS of women outside of your little computer-screen and photoshop programs who are plus sized, and we are beautiful. (Plus we have awesomely huge breasts without surgery. so there. :-P)

Anyways, "Axis of Fat" is an awesome confidence boost for any bride with "weight issues" (if you dare call them that) who needs a little push-start to feeling beautiful. We may not be supermodels, but we can damn well feel like it! (and eat our cake too! or something like that...)

Kudos to AOF. You made my overwhelming and tiring day, worth it. completely.